WE ARE A WORK IN PROGRESS WITH A LIFETIME CONTRACT ~ Phyllis Koss

When our kids were little our weekends revolved around the YMCA watching them play every sport offered. Every season brought something new and we found immense joy seeing our children conquer their first steps in basketball, soccer, flag football and cheerleading. Almost as important as watching our kids stumble around the field or court were the friendships we made with other sports parents. The coffee talk at the morning games and the spontaneous lunch or ice cream outings with these families were some of my favorite memories of our kids’ early sports years.

Everyone was happy. Even if the team lost there were still smiles and high fives and a tunnel to run through at the end of the game. As years went by the six-week YMCA sports seasons turned into semester-long specialized sports training then year-long travel/club sports commitments began to take over most of our lives. We then divided into soccer,  gymnastics, basketball, football and lacrosse families. Everyone’s schedule became so intense that we rarely, if ever, had the chance to connect over coffee, share birthday cupcakes with the team or grab a beer and wings at the local pub after a hot afternoon match.

Gone were the Saturday mornings when the whole family got in the car to attend the sporting events for the day. Now Saturday morning was planned the Monday before, in everyone’s planners, on the refrigerator calendar, and in alerts on smart phones. “You go there, I’ll go here, then we’ll meet and swap kids then maybe I’ll be there by half-time, if not send them with so and so and we’ll meet up back at home tonight or tomorrow when the tournament finishes.”

The years of “dividing and conquering” had begun. Not just on the weekends but during the week as well. Not just other families but ours too would be separated most nights as we drove our three kids to different practices at different times in different locations.

We found ourselves scheduling everything around their schedules. And we weren’t alone. Almost all of our friends have kids who are in sports, most of whom are highly successful athletes living the same life in a different house. I love these families and respect their dedication and commitment to their children’s goals and dreams.

But as our kids have gotten older I’ve seen an alarming amount of these families begin to crumble…from the top. I remember sitting in a church marriage seminar with my husband when we were newlyweds. The speaker drew a pyramid on the white dry-erase board at the front of the room. At the top he wrote “GOD”. Below he wrote, “HUSBAND & WIFE”. Below that was “KIDS”. Below that was “EXTENDED FAMILY”. And so on…through friends, work, etc.

His point was to never lose focus on the pyramid. He told us to live our life from the top then go down. Never from the bottom up or in between. He said, “Always…always put your marriage first, above your children. Because without a strong husband/wife relationship there is nothing. And your marriage won’t last.”

Over the past few years our insane sports schedule has sometimes taken over our family life. We were focusing more on the losses and disappointments our kids faced on and off the field and the life lessons they painfully were going through more so than spending quality time together as a married couple, away from the kids, away from the field.

We are surrounded by friends who were once smiling at each other at the YMCA games and holding hands walking back to the car. Not so much anymore. We often witness our friends fight over how their spouse reacts or doesn’t react to their child during or after a game. Parents who don’t sit together on the sidelines anymore and who disagree on training options, coaches or school choices based on sports. Parents who never see each other because of the logistical nightmare they endure every evening their kids jump in multiple cars to go to practice.

We have been there. We have fought and cried and lost sight of what that church speaker told us almost 20 years ago. We had toppled off the pyramid and were free-floating in the youth sports milky way.

Fortunately for us, we have a strong foundation in our marriage and I have a husband who will do anything and everything to make me feel like there is no one else in this world that matters more. People often compliment our marriage and ask how we do it. My response is always, “We work hard at it. We are honest and real and don’t get lazy with our relationship. Marriage is not perfect, nor will it ever be but with hard work, huge love and respect, it will last.”

So anytime we start to veer off track we quickly find ways to reconnect and prioritize our relationship. We plan more date nights, we have wine by the fire pit after a long day of sports, and don’t talk about sports! We constantly remind each other to stay present in our life together. But it’s hard, trust me I know. It’s easy to get caught up in our kids’ lives. Everybody does it but no one talks about it. So I am. For better or for worse don’t let your pyramid fall apart.

“Your children aren’t coloring books. You don’t get to fill them in with your favorite colors.” ~Dr. Wayne Dyer

Yes we are that family that loves sports, all sports. We love to watch and play sports, we even compete, sometimes too seriously, against each other in our own backyard. But one thing we never forget is to have fun. Some families like to read, play board games, make music or art together. Since we all lack talent pretty much in all those categories, we play. We have fun. So as many times as we’ve watched our kids’ teams win or lose, as frustrating as it may be we remind them that sports should be fun. And more importantly it should be THEIR fun, not OURS.

Years ago we were those sports parents who tried to talk to our kids after practice or a game. Whether the outcome was positive or negative, we felt the need to have a discussion. Looking back, I really think we thought we were being helpful by sharing our insight and talking things through. Turns out we weren’t. Several years back I remember my then 10 year-old glaring at us as we began to discuss a particularly bad game he had. He looked his dad straight in the eyes after he rambled for 10 minutes and said, “How long is this life lesson going to be? I just want to be prepared.” That was about the same time I went to my first youth sports seminar and listened to sports-life coach David Benzel talk about how to be an effective sports parent. I remember sitting there thinking to myself, “Wow, we’re doing everything wrong.”

Things changed in our house for awhile and we didn’t talk so much as submit little bits of wisdom on short car rides or walks with the dog. But we quickly realized the kids didn’t always want to discuss their sports life with us. And then an amazing thing happened. We shut up. And guess what? The kids started coming to us. They suddenly wanted to talk about a practice or game, a bad play they made, frustration over a new drill, confrontation with a teammate, or ideas on how to approach their coach. So we sat and we listened, and we listened. And we bit our tongues…A LOT!

Sadly, not all sports parents learn this lesson early enough, or at all. One night about a year ago I was jogging on the soccer field while our oldest daughter was practicing. I passed a dad yelling at his young son who was all of 8 years-old at the time. The boy had tears streaming down his face. It was dark and all the younger players were already home in bed. Not this little one, he was still there training one-on-one with his dad, getting reamed out in the process. On my 4th lap around the field he was still training and still crying. I smiled at him, but he looked down. My heart broke. He was not having “fun”.

Maybe this kid will be the next Messi or Ronaldo, or maybe he’ll get burned out at 12 and quit. But one important thing hit me that night. Even if that kid makes it big, what kind of relationship will he have with his father? Will they even be speaking when he’s 18? Will he thank his dad in a victory speech after a match? I don’t know.

What I do know is this. Creating a safe environment at home for our kids has been critical. They receive enough feedback, positive and negative from their coaches and peers. They don’t need it repeated from us. And although it’s very, very hard not to step in sometimes, I know their path must be theirs, not ours. So we keep our mouths shut and trust that this is all part of their life plan. And in those tough moments when they aren’t having fun, we know they are still drawing their own picture. So we sit and we cheer them on and try not to connect their dots, highlight what we think is the right choice and allow them to color outside their own lines. Even if the scribbling makes us crazy.

Happy coloring…Dana

Sports do not build character, they reveal it. – John Wooden

I think it’s safe to say that every parent at some point or another feels overwhelmed. Every parent questions their decisions, their insane schedule and their family’s sacrifices. All of these statements are especially true for sports parents. I haven’t met a youth sports mom or dad that hasn’t sat down at some point and said to themselves, “Is it really worth it? Why are we doing this?”

We have three children who all play travel soccer. They love the sport and have made wonderful friendships along the way. But as they get older I’d be remiss if I didn’t admit feeling guilty more times than not about the time our family commits to this sport. Particularly because of the judgment I feel from other parents or the kids’ peers along this journey. A month hasn’t gone by that at least one person doesn’t criticize us for spending almost every weekday driving the kids to practices and weekends at soccer games/tournaments, most out-of-town. We are often forced to divide and conquer and although we’ve met many families just like us over the years, we’ve come to realize this is not the norm. And it eats me up sometimes.

I have no idea if we’ll regret the choices we’ve made 10 years from now. But what I do know is our kids are happy and confident. Our kids are healthy. And they are genuinely good, respectful and well-mannered kids. Soccer has taken away most of their social lives with classmates or neighborhood friends, most who don’t include them at parties due to their schedules and some who even make fun of their sport or commitment to it. But they also have teammates/friends we’ve all grown to love and cherish, kids who are just like them, kids who share and support their schedules and who’ve been there for them through ups and downs.

Someone asked me recently if I missed having free weekends or wished I could just stay home and live like a “normal” family. Sure I feel like that sometimes. But for us, this insane schedule is our normal. And as much as I complain about driving all over, staying in two-star hotel chains, cheering from the sidelines in the rain, eating out of a crock pot, wiping tears after a bad game or holding a hand during the pain of an injury, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Part of me loves soccer because it keeps our kids busy and out of trouble, which is especially helpful with two teenagers in the house. Soccer has allowed our family to travel all over the country and even overseas. These trips together as a family have been unforgettable. We’ve met so many wonderful families along the way who I know will be our lifelong friends no matter where and when our roads divide. I love soccer because our kids have been forced to learn to communicate with adults and their peers without our guidance from a very young age. They have good time-management skills in order to get their schoolwork done because they know if their grades drop, so does soccer.

But I love soccer mostly because of what John Wooden said. “Sports do not build character, they reveal it”. It’s great to see one of our kids successful on the field, the moment he or she scores the winning goal, has the perfect assist or earns “MVP” of the match. But what’s more impressive is the character of the people they have become. They have learned to be humble when they win and gracious when they lose. They have learned that hard work eventually breeds success and a strong work ethic will get them far in life. They have learned to communicate with difficult teammates or coaches in tough situations. They have learned life isn’t always fair and not every coach or teammate will like them. Their attitudes on and off the field are a direct reflection of the lessons sports have taught them over the years. The good, the bad and the ugly.

I have no idea how long any of our kids will continue soccer. They could quit tomorrow. And that’s ok. But for today I couldn’t be more thankful for the opportunity each of them have to play this crazy game. So yes…the sacrifice is worth it.

Make a memory with your children,

Spend some time to show you care;

Toys and trinkets can’t replace those

Precious moments that you share.

~Elaine Hardt

Each year we travel to a special little place in Florida called Anna Maria Island. Sometimes a few times a year. Growing up in Florida our family hit about every beach but it wasn’t until I was older that I discovered the beauty and peacefulness of AMI.

I’m not sure if AMI is so wonderful because of the memories we’ve created there or because it’s just a cute island set away from the touristy beaches that lie just a few miles south. Either way it seems like every time we leave the island we count the days until we return.

Part of it might be the fact that as our kids get older they don’t have much down time and a week at AMI lets them just be kids. It is also some of the only times all five of us are together for any length of time. I struggle with this a lot. All three kids play competitive travel soccer. Most holiday weekends we spend at tournaments and regular weekends we are often split between three field locations and multiple games. Some in town, some not. And any energy we have at the end of those days goes into keeping up with the house, organizing our life to deal with the logistics for the next week and prepping for upcoming schoolwork and tests.

Don’t get me wrong. I love watching my kids play. And I love that they truly enjoy the game. All three absolutely love their sport and would play more if we let them. But as a mom, our life moves faster and the kids are growing quicker than I ever imagined. We only have our daughter for 4 more years before she’s in college. The thought of the five of us not being together makes me sick to my stomach. And so I took it upon myself a few years ago to make the most out of every vacation and make those memories count.

So…we buy lots of junk food for our trip, have ice cream for breakfast and watch the sunrise on the beach in our pajamas, possibly while eating leftover cold pizza and a mimosa. We hire a captain to take us on a boat for a day to see the beautiful waters and marine life of Florida’s gulf coast. We pack a picnic lunch, jump out to collect sand dollars and net on sand bars for sea urchins. We watch as dolphins swim within feet of us frolicking in the water. We paddle board and kayak through mangroves and bike to the pier to fish and chase seagulls. We stay on the beach until the sun sets and snuggle up in bed to watch movies until way after all of our bedtime, falling asleep in our bathing suits and saltwater hair. We bring a volleyball, paddle tennis, frisbees, footballs and kites. And still yet someone always sneaks in a few soccer balls. But we play and we laugh and we forget about our hectic life and the crazy routine we’ll see much too soon.

It might not be much, but AMI is our little piece of paradise. Not because of the gorgeous sunsets, white sand beaches or crystal blue water…but because paradise is where my family is and those are the memories that count.

I haven’t written a blog post in a while. I find plenty of excuses why I’m too busy to sit down and write. I guess I needed the push I got tonight from my kids to sit still for 10 minutes and jot down my thoughts.

It all started with a discussion after dinner about LENT. The kids were asking each other what they were giving up. What started as a discussion about sacrifice quickly turned into fights between brothers and sister questioning their choices. “You’re giving up your I-touch for 40 days? Yeah right! You’ll just sneak onto the I-Pad.” “Are you serious, you can’t give up Instagram, you take too many selfies!” “Like you’re really going to give up sweets, you have a stash of Halloween candy under your bed you liar!”

Although I gave up yelling for Lent, I quickly blew that one listening to the chaos. Do they not understand what Lent is about? They go to Catholic school, we go to church, we pray together, we talk about our faith. We are definitely not the perfect Christian family but why weren’t they getting “it”?

Then it hit me. Because they’re kids.

What followed was a conversation I wasn’t ready for…the first time any of my kids have seriously questioned their faith. My daughter says to me, “Why should I believe in God when everything that he’s done to me this week has been horrible?” She did have a really tough week so I can understand her reasoning. She had a massive vomiting migraine episode lasting two days that left her feeling terrible just in time for her school soccer team to head to their championship game. Her 8th grade year and last time playing for her school. The finals game at the end of an undefeated season. Although she bravely tried to make it through she just wasn’t well enough to play which broke her heart. To make matters worse she fell and hit her head hard on the turf during the game in the few minutes she tried to play and had to be rushed to the ER where she was diagnosed with a probable mild concussion.

So I get it. I completely understand why she’s ticked off at God.

Then my 12 year-old son says, “Yeah, sometimes I don’t know if God is real, it’s really hard to believe in someone you can’t see.” My youngest pipes in next, “You guys are crazy, he is totally real!”

Ok, my eight year-old gets it. I paused for a minute, not knowing what to say to the older kids. How do I change my daughter’s frustrated tears and my son’s turbulent faith into triumph?

I shared with them my faith journey, how many hills and valleys I met along the way. How questioning our faith only makes it stronger and that faith is so much bigger than the eye can see. It’s not just about God, the bible and the saints. It’s about believing in something bigger than us, trusting that there is a plan for each and every one of us and ultimately we are blindly following the path whether we like it or not.

I told them bad things will happen along the way, as will good. Some will have explanations, most will not. Everything will seem unfair at times and once in a while we’ll get a break and be on top of that hill just in time to fall into another valley.

I had my iPhone on my lap at the time. I glanced down for a minute because I felt like I wasn’t getting through to them. Then I saw a song title on my phone’s music playlist. “Open the eyes of my heart”. Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not.

Forget your head, the analytical thinking and practical rational. Forget your eyes because faith is not something you will ever be able to see. The only thing you need to do is simply open your heart, and believe everything will be ok and everything happens for a reason even in our darkest moments.

The good, the bad, the tears and turbulence…eventually the triumphs will surpass them all.

It is thought that children acquire language to tell the story that is already in them.

~Anonymous

We all have a story to tell and add chapters to our book each day. As parents, we share excerpts from our own pages through the years. We tell our kids about ups and downs, shining moments and difficult times, our accomplishments and disappointments. Sometimes we leave out a chapter or share the edited version only. Either way, our story is unique to each of us and how it’s written is our own personal choice.

My husband and I often tell our kids it’s up to them to create their own story. We remind them God already has their tale mapped out but it is their job to tell it. We ask them how they want their book to read, what they want it to say and remind them there will be good and bad chapters with many in between.

When our children step on the field or court for a game, we ask them what kind of chapter they want to write today. When they face an academic challenge, we remind them this is part of their story. When they don’t do well on a test, we point out there will be another chapter soon where they ace an exam or earn honor roll status. When they are faced with bigger life decisions we encourage them to make choices based on their book. Will they make poor choices which inevitably have consequences, or make the right choice and possibly lose friends or face hardships? Words can’t be erased from our book, white-out won’t cover our mistakes nor can we tear out pages and pretend they don’t exist.

So when the day is done and our kids have lived their life, I hope they proudly share their story with their own children. The big bad wolf, the pot of gold and all the trips up the hill to fetch pails of water in between.